Serious Post: Dealing with Depressed People
Disclaimer: I am not a psychologist or a psychiatrist in any sense, this is just what I've learned from experience and reading random stuff on the internet.
What Not to Say to a Depressed Person
"It could be worse." - Yeah, but it could be a lot better, too. Saying this just invalidates their pain and makes them feel like they don't "deserve" to be depressed, which will inevitably make them feel worse.
"You have no reason to be depressed." - Yes, that's exactly the problem. They have no reason to be depressed, but they still are.
"Just cheer up." or "Just snap out of it." - If it were that easy, they wouldn't be depressed in the first place.
"Other people have it so much worse than you." - This comes off as trying to make them feel bad for feeling bad. It's like telling a happy person that they shouldn't be happy because other people have it better than them.
"It's all in your head." - Again, yes, that's exactly the problem. They know it's in their head, that's why it's so hard to deal with. (Some good counterarguments I've heard to this are "So is a brain tumour, but that doesn't mean it's harmless" and "And diabetes is all in your pancreas.")
"What can I do to help?" or "Can I do anything to help?" - People saying this usually mean well, but in the case of depression, usually the depressed person genuinely has no idea what would help.
"I have bad days too." or any other attempt to empathise. It's not a competition, and doing this takes the focus away from the depressed person and puts it on you. The worst part is when you try to one-up them, by saying something like "Hey, I've been in a situation much worse than yours and I survived, so I'm sure you can too." Again, it may sound encouraging and positive to you, but to a depressed person it just sounds like invalidating their feelings. Do not make it about you. Keep the focus on them.
"It'll get better" or "This is only temporary" or other things like that. Depression never goes away. There is no cure for depression. People just learn to live with it or learn to use meds to deal with it.
Things to Remember
1. Almost everything you say to a depressed person will be countered and negatively construed in their head.
"You can do it!" - "No I can't."
"You have people who care about you." - "And here I am burdening them."
"You're a good person." - "No I'm not."
It can be frustrating sometimes because they will seem to always turn everything you say into a bad or negative thing, but understand that when in that kind of mental state, they can't help it.
Instead, try giving direct compliments. These boost self-esteem and are much harder to turn negative. For example, "I like your haircut." or "Good work on [task]."
It's also sometimes helpful to connect specific compliments to more general traits that'd be too vague to compliment on their own, such as "Dinner was excellent. You're a wonderful cook." or "I really enjoyed the book you gave me. You always pick the best gifts for people."
Direct compliments with a supporting argument appeal to their logical side rather than their emotional side, and so have a better chance of breaking through and having an effect.
2. Depression is not always sadness. Sometimes depression can feel more like emptiness, like you literally feel no emotions whatsoever, and you feel no joy or appeal in the things that you normally like. It can be less "I'm sad/upset" and more "I just don't care".
3. 99% of the time there is absolutely nothing you can say or do to make a depressed person feel better. The best thing to do is let them know that they can talk to you about it if they want to, but they don't have to. Then offer to hang out quietly with them - watch a movie, go for a walk, chat about inconsequential stuff. If they decline the offer, respect their decision and don't push or pester them. If they do decide to talk about their depression to you, just be patient and passive and let them vent. Don't offer counterarguments, don't make it about you (e.g. "Oh yeah, I've been through the same thing" or "Yeah, that happened to me too.") etc. Simple, genuinely sympathetic statements like "Oh, that sucks, I'm sorry to hear that" work best - it really helps for them to know you're actually listening to them. Whatever you do, don't just stay silent - yes, you should let them do most of the talking, but complete silence on your part will likely be interpreted by them as a lack of interest or not listening, which will make them feel worse.
4. Depression is not an emotion, it is an actual mental illness. It affects the way your brain works. Telling a depressed person to "get over it" or "just cheer up" is like telling a person with cancer to "just be healthy".
5. Not all depressed people are the same. The techniques I mentioned here can be helpful for many, but they might not work for everyone. Don't take anything here as a foolproof solution.
6. If things get really bad and you're worried that your depressed friend is actually suicidal, encourage them to call a suicide prevention hotline, or call one for them.
7. It's a sort of curveball solution, but one thing that has actually worked for me personally when dealing with depressed people is to get them talking about something they feel strongly about, even if it's something like a pet peeve. Don't deliberately try to get them talking about a specific thing (this usually won't work, because as said before, depressed people often find no joy or excitement in things they normally do), but if they give some indication of being particularly passionate about a certain topic during the course of casual conversation (for example, if they mention that they prefer one version of a movie over another), try to gently steer them onto that topic and show an interest in how they feel about it and why. With any luck, after a few minutes they'll be so engaged in the topic that they'll forget about their depression, which will make them feel better.
What Not to Say to a Depressed Person
"It could be worse." - Yeah, but it could be a lot better, too. Saying this just invalidates their pain and makes them feel like they don't "deserve" to be depressed, which will inevitably make them feel worse.
"You have no reason to be depressed." - Yes, that's exactly the problem. They have no reason to be depressed, but they still are.
"Just cheer up." or "Just snap out of it." - If it were that easy, they wouldn't be depressed in the first place.
"Other people have it so much worse than you." - This comes off as trying to make them feel bad for feeling bad. It's like telling a happy person that they shouldn't be happy because other people have it better than them.
"It's all in your head." - Again, yes, that's exactly the problem. They know it's in their head, that's why it's so hard to deal with. (Some good counterarguments I've heard to this are "So is a brain tumour, but that doesn't mean it's harmless" and "And diabetes is all in your pancreas.")
"What can I do to help?" or "Can I do anything to help?" - People saying this usually mean well, but in the case of depression, usually the depressed person genuinely has no idea what would help.
"I have bad days too." or any other attempt to empathise. It's not a competition, and doing this takes the focus away from the depressed person and puts it on you. The worst part is when you try to one-up them, by saying something like "Hey, I've been in a situation much worse than yours and I survived, so I'm sure you can too." Again, it may sound encouraging and positive to you, but to a depressed person it just sounds like invalidating their feelings. Do not make it about you. Keep the focus on them.
"It'll get better" or "This is only temporary" or other things like that. Depression never goes away. There is no cure for depression. People just learn to live with it or learn to use meds to deal with it.
Things to Remember
1. Almost everything you say to a depressed person will be countered and negatively construed in their head.
"You can do it!" - "No I can't."
"You have people who care about you." - "And here I am burdening them."
"You're a good person." - "No I'm not."
It can be frustrating sometimes because they will seem to always turn everything you say into a bad or negative thing, but understand that when in that kind of mental state, they can't help it.
Instead, try giving direct compliments. These boost self-esteem and are much harder to turn negative. For example, "I like your haircut." or "Good work on [task]."
It's also sometimes helpful to connect specific compliments to more general traits that'd be too vague to compliment on their own, such as "Dinner was excellent. You're a wonderful cook." or "I really enjoyed the book you gave me. You always pick the best gifts for people."
Direct compliments with a supporting argument appeal to their logical side rather than their emotional side, and so have a better chance of breaking through and having an effect.
2. Depression is not always sadness. Sometimes depression can feel more like emptiness, like you literally feel no emotions whatsoever, and you feel no joy or appeal in the things that you normally like. It can be less "I'm sad/upset" and more "I just don't care".
3. 99% of the time there is absolutely nothing you can say or do to make a depressed person feel better. The best thing to do is let them know that they can talk to you about it if they want to, but they don't have to. Then offer to hang out quietly with them - watch a movie, go for a walk, chat about inconsequential stuff. If they decline the offer, respect their decision and don't push or pester them. If they do decide to talk about their depression to you, just be patient and passive and let them vent. Don't offer counterarguments, don't make it about you (e.g. "Oh yeah, I've been through the same thing" or "Yeah, that happened to me too.") etc. Simple, genuinely sympathetic statements like "Oh, that sucks, I'm sorry to hear that" work best - it really helps for them to know you're actually listening to them. Whatever you do, don't just stay silent - yes, you should let them do most of the talking, but complete silence on your part will likely be interpreted by them as a lack of interest or not listening, which will make them feel worse.
4. Depression is not an emotion, it is an actual mental illness. It affects the way your brain works. Telling a depressed person to "get over it" or "just cheer up" is like telling a person with cancer to "just be healthy".
5. Not all depressed people are the same. The techniques I mentioned here can be helpful for many, but they might not work for everyone. Don't take anything here as a foolproof solution.
6. If things get really bad and you're worried that your depressed friend is actually suicidal, encourage them to call a suicide prevention hotline, or call one for them.
7. It's a sort of curveball solution, but one thing that has actually worked for me personally when dealing with depressed people is to get them talking about something they feel strongly about, even if it's something like a pet peeve. Don't deliberately try to get them talking about a specific thing (this usually won't work, because as said before, depressed people often find no joy or excitement in things they normally do), but if they give some indication of being particularly passionate about a certain topic during the course of casual conversation (for example, if they mention that they prefer one version of a movie over another), try to gently steer them onto that topic and show an interest in how they feel about it and why. With any luck, after a few minutes they'll be so engaged in the topic that they'll forget about their depression, which will make them feel better.
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